Holiday Special

Since October there has been a steady flow of butter and sugar* being injected into my blood flow via all imaginable forms of baked goods. I can only imagine that this will continue until after the New Year. Avoiding the morsels of goodness constantly toying with my fragile mind in order to remain svelte is a barbaric form of torture created by fashion editors and models (those bitches!). In lieu of self discipline, here are a number of ways to have your cake and eat it too with cookies and ice cream on top, and eat as much as you fucking want.

10 ways to look good over the Ho-lidays despite your newly developed 10 pound champagne-rum ball-canapé puffiness.

# 10 Conceal your FUPA by nonchalantly standing behind a large plant (poinsettia's bring extra points for the festive nature.)

#9 Convince little cousins to sit on your lap, making you look nice and hiding your ample frame

# 8 Wear a Mumu with a Menorah on it-vertical lines are slimming

#7 Suck in cheeks for all family photos and throw your own gang sign, people will be all WTF confused

#6 Wear obscene amounts of bright eye makeup to distract people from what's going on below

#5 Wear a scrunchy in your hair, bonus points for tye die. Crimp hair and put it on top of your head like a chia pet. NO ONE will notice that extra greasy muffin on top of your jeans.

# 4 Avoid close ups, everything looks better a little blurry

# 3 Three Words, Push Up Bra. Two and a Half More, Deep V-Neck.

# 2 Get your sister even fatter, so you'll look smaller by comparison

# 1 Get some exercise you fat ass, hook up with anybody, if you are stuck with family, remember 3rd cousin is legit, 2nd is suspect and 1st is plain disgusting

Now down some eggnog and baileys** and let the holidays begin.

* Pizza Parties
** Pizza

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